Booze Quotes

Reporter: Word is they're going to repeal Prohibition. What'll you do then?
Eliot Ness: I think I'll have a drink.

"I like my girls blonde and my Johnny Walker red." 
-Joe Namath

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." 
-Oscar Wilde

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" 
-W.C. Fields

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk they're sober." 
-William Butler Yeats

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." 
-Humphrey Bogart

"Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy" 
-Benjamin Franklin

"Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems" 
-Homer Simpson

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." 
-Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." 
-Frank Sinatra 

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." 
-Ernest Hemingway 

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." 
-W.C. Fields 

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." 
-Henry Youngman

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" 
-Brian O'Rourke 

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." 
-Dave Barry 

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." 
-Dean Martin

"Remember "I" before "E”, except in Budweiser." 
-Anon

"There can't be good living where there is not good drinking." 
-Benjamin Franklin

"He was a wise man who invented beer." 
-Plato

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." 
-Kaiser Wilhelm

"I drink to make other people interesting." 
-George Jean Nathan

"They speak of my drinking but they never think of my thirst"
-Scottish Proverb

"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk."
-John Marcellus Huston

"Wine is bottled poetry."
-Robert Louis Stevenson

"I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it."
-Raymond Chandler

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
-W.C. Fields

"No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkeness - or so good as drink".
-Lord Chesterton

"We borrowed golf from Scotland as we borrowed whiskey. Not because it is Scottish, but because it is good."
-Horace Hutchinson

"Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink. "

"Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey."

"An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout."

"God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world. "
-Ed McMahon

"I hate to advocate drugs or liquor, violence, insanity to anyone. But in my case it's worked."
-Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

"Wine is one of the most civilized things in the world and one of the most natural things of the world that has been brought to the greatest perfection, and it offers a greater range for enjoyment and appreciation than, possibly, any other purely sensory thing."
-Ernest Hemmingway

"I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night."
-Ancient Greek proverb

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
-Winston Churchill

"Lord I have loved some ladies and I have loved Jim Beam and they both tried to kill me..."
-Hank Williams Jr.

Toasts

Our Lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk?), at home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the Beer, the Bitter and the Lager,
Forever and ever. Barmen.

I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make
Americans getting stinking on something I stir or shake
The sex on the beach
The schnapps made from peach
The velvet hammer
The alabama slammer.
I make things with juice and froth
The pink squirrel, the 3-toed sloth.
I make drinks so sweat and snazzy
The iced tea, the kamakazi
The orgasm
The death spasm
The Singapore sling
The dingaling.
America you've just been devoted to every flavor I got
But if you want to get loaded, why don't you just order a shot?

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.

Here's to Hell!
May we have as good a time there as we had getting there!

Friendship is the wine of life,
Let's drink of it, and to it.

May you be in heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you are dead.

To girlfriends and wives,
May they never meet.

Here's to being single, seeing double and drinking triple

"Here’s to the women we've met, and to the women we've fucked,
And to those amongst us who've had no such luck.
Here’s to beer in the glass, and vodka in the cup,
Here’s to pokin' her in the ass, so she won’t get knocked up.
Here's to all of you, and here's to me,
together as friends we'll always be,
but if we should ever disagree,
then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE'S TO ME!"
- Tucker Max

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